Bipolar writing personality disorder

Today, I’m manic. Before 9am (and I am not a “morning person” by any stretch of the imagination) I had spontaneously come up with the first 6-8 scenes in the (imaginary) movie which will be based upon my (still-to-be written) book.

After a hard, long, and exhausting day at work, I came home, and sketched out these scenes and a few others I’d come up with since the morning in a story-board style format. It took me over 2 hours.

This week has been good. I”m working on a contest entry, reviving a piece of “avant-garde” (I guess you would call it) literary criticism from waaaay back – it’s still one of my all-time favorite pieces I’ve ever written – one of those times where the words flowed like liquid chocolate, straight from the Muse.

And I”m thinking about working up a small piece that is almost already written (cut from a longer work) as a magazine article. For the moment, I’ve set aside my book – but that is deliberate, and it just needs some time to sit and “jell”.

But then…well, there was last week, and weeks before that one, where the writing was almost painful. Wailing. Feeling like I would never get done. Like it would never ever ever end. Thinking it would be tempting to give up entirely (although like the California pioneers crossing the Rocky Mountains, I realize I’ve come too far to quit now.)

And a coupla months ago, I avoided writing as much as I could. Oh, I had good intentions, mind you. I really did.  But I would always, every night, find something else to do. TV. Internet. Blogging. Visiting other’s blogs. Go to the bookstore. And go again the next day. Visit with friends. You name it. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

So tonight, because I have had such a wound-up writing-day, despite being so busy and exhausting at work – I realized that I think my Muse must be bipolar.  Now, I mean no disrepect by that comparision. I realize that is a serious illness. But I say that by way of analogy.

But that is the only way I can explain it. My writing is so very much “feast or famine.”  Cyclical. When I’m “on” – I’m really on.  When I’m not – I’m not – and it is easy to believe that I will never get out of that rut when I feel like I’m in it.

This is important for me to realize. That it goes in cycles. That I can have incredibly inspiring and productive days. And that when they seem to disappear entirely – it is extremely important for me to remember that I have been to those great days before – and that they will indeed return, even if they seem to have disappeared entirely for that moment. I just have to keep going. Keep moving, keep creating, reading, writing, or finding other ways to keep my mind and my hands active – sometimes even almost “treading water” literarily speaking. Writing simply for the sake of writing – and who cares what the results are?  Maybe that day, when it all seems so hard, my goal just needs to be “Write. Write anything. It doesn’t matter. And quality doesn’t count. All that matters is getting the words on paper. And keep going. No matter what.”

WRITE!!

© writingreading, 2009

Procrastination: The Confidence Game

By now, it’s obvious that one of my favorite topics to write about – because it is so often present in my life – is “writing procrastination.”

This morning I realized that procrastination is really a matter of confidence. When I lack confidence in my work, in my writing – I am likely to procrastinate. When I don’t worry about the outcome of my work, or when I am exceptionally focused, then procrastination is less of a problem.

The good news is, I realized this after reading a chapter I had written, and finding myself surprisingly satisfied with the results! It makes it considerably easier to go back to the keyboard and get to work – whether it is doing further revision, or starting from scratch on the next chapter!

© writingreading, 2009

2-4-6-8, Why do I procrastinate?

Ah, yes, my all-too-familiar clingy “friend” – procrastination – is back! Booo!

I’ve realized over the past couple of weeks that my avoidance of working on my book definitely is the symptom of something larger. It has moved from simple procrastination to outright avoidance – and that is serious. The good news is, is that I am still trying to get myself to write. It has not turned into apathy or disinterest. But I have had a distinct inability to simply sit down and do it!

Of course, there are the usual methods for avoiding – which I’ve already enumerated elsewhere.  But it has been happening enough lately, on a consistent basis, that I know Something must be happening.

I think a large part of it is fear. And strangely enough, I think it is “fear of completion.” I still have a long ways to go before I am finished, but I do feel like I am nearing the end stages – I can at last see and believe that I can get it completed.

Probably part of my fear of completion is a very real fear that I won’t know what to do after that happens. The subject of my book (which I never directly talk about here, online) is something that I have had as my “heart’s mission” for years, now. My book has been my passion, in some form, for over a decade. (It’s only over the past two years that I began writing it, however. Because it is non-fiction, the rest of the time was spent in research.) So, maybe it is like the “empty-nest” syndrome. I just simply can’t imagine my life without it.

In any case, fearful of my fear, but determined to overcome it and kick-start my writing again, I did a quick google search on the topic of “why am I afraid to finish writing my book” and found a few good articles on the subject – and they all include remedies!

Linda White Dove has some good advice about changing the parameters of your work. Kind of a “when life gives you lemons..” type of approach. I admit I don’t understand much about the rest of her website, but I did appreciate the article she had about her own struggles with staying on the writing task.

I also really liked what Earma Brown had to say. She has a lot of good tips that are down to earth, understanding, and practical.

And finally, I think I found the information at Copyblogger to be the most helpful, because he writes directly and explicitly about the different kinds of fears we can have as writers.

I’ve printed all of these articles so I can keep them handy the next time I need them. And like the rain and floods, as well as droughts, I know the seasons of writing will come, and change. The tools, tips and suggestions from these authors will help get me through, and get me writing again!

© writingreading, 2009

Word of the Year (‘09) – Believe!

Christine Kane suggests choosing a Word for the year, rather than making a resolution, and being a wordy and idealistic type, I think that sounds like a great idea!

So my word is going to be: BELIEVE!!

I find the most insidious evil thing in supporting my ongoing procrastination on my book is Doubt. I wish I could write that with a small D – but right now, it is just that big.

I doubt that I will ever get finished. I doubt (despite all evidence to the contrary) that I have anything new or original to say. I doubt that the cause is worthwhile. I doubt I’ll have time. Or interest. Or linguistic skills or typing skills or concentration or persistence or on and on and on.

These doubts are really just excuses, and they keep me hampered, sometimes even buried.

If I BELIEVED my subject was worth writing about, that it truly is the purpose of my life to write about it, that it really is a book that needs writing – if I really believed all this were true, then I would ACT like it – and WRITE!!!

Too often, lately, I’ve found myself dreamily fantasizing about writing – but doing nothing. Or – like now – surfing the internet instead. Then, it’s late – time for dinner or for bed or the next Thing – and another day gone, “wasted” as far as writing goes.

If I only BELIEVE – then I think my writing will show it. Not just by my productivity – actually doing it – but the depth and passion that I bring to it. I know it is there – I just have to believe in it, myself.

Christine Kane proposes following the BE-DO-HAVE model. Choose a word to guide you throughout the year, to guide you to be the person you want to be. Base your actions upon the word you choose. So – if I Believe, then I will Write (do) with the outcome of having a published book! Ta-da!! Sounds simple, doesn’t it?

Kane explains her concept far more eloquently than I do here – and ironically enough, I just realized she does not list “Belief” as one of her possible Guide Words – but it seems right for me, for now, for this year, and so I’m going to try it on and see how it goes.

Best wishes for you and your Guide Word in the New Year!

© writingreading, 2009

Procrastination: Read, instead of Write

Yesterday a friend shared with me a writing quote that was very inspiring. It turned out it was from a book I have, but have not yet read. I’ve had to resist the temptation to go pull it off the shelf and start reading it.

One of the best ways I know to procrastinate on my writing – is to read about writing. How perfect! I can read about writing instead of doing it!

So far, I am managing OK to avoid this – probably because I’ve had a good run lately with my actual writing. I’m getting lots done and it is progressing well.

But Beware the Writing Book. It is procrastination poison in a candy-wrapped shell!

© writingreading, 2008

Procrastination Busters!

For the moment, at least, I think I’ve finally managed to break out of the procrastination bind I was in for a few weeks. I spent almost the entire day working on my NF book yesterday, and boy, does it feel good! I had enough momentum going I could have worked through the night, but decided getting a little rest might help me have a strong day today, too!

I thought about it, and here’s what has worked for me, to help get me out of procrastination and back into “real” writing (off-line, working on my book). For purposes of this post, I think for me I have two types of procrastination – active and passive.

Active procrastination is when I deliberately avoid work. It is a conscious decision. For example: write on my book or clean the bathroom? I think I’ll clean the bathroom.

Passive procrastination is when I try to sit down and write, and allow myself to get distracted. Maybe I decide before I get started to zip in and check my email – then look up two hours later and decide I hardly have time to get anything done before bed, so give up for the day. Or similar things. The passive procrastination method has been eating me up lately, so overcoming that is what I’m going to concentrate on, here.

Ten Ways to Break through Procrastination

1. Avoid TV. Sounds simple, but hard to do.
2. Avoid the Internet. Ditto. Email, websites, blogs – all are the pitfall here.
3. Avoid doing “extra research.” This one is a tough one for me. I’m working on a non-fiction history book. Research is what it’s all about. But it’s easy for me to spend hours on this – and avoid writing – when maybe what I was “researching” really isn’t that important, at least, not in the first draft.
4. Ignore the phone. I need to consider my writing time sacred. Just like I would turn off my cell phone if I went to church, I need to have the same sacredness and respect for my writing time at home. And ask others (friends, relatives, telemarketers) to have the same respect as well.
5. Avoid re-reading an entire chapter. Sure, reading what you’ve written is an essential part of the writing process. But when I’m working on a book – there’s a lot to read. Instead, I need to stay focused only on the last page or paragraph that I’ve written – not the entire 20-page chapter.
6. Stay focused. A corollary to #5 – I need to know where I’m going next in my narrative, and concentrate on that. “Avoid narrative distractions” is another way to put this. Do I really need to tell about Abigail’s dress at the ball when the storyline in this chapter is about the use of cotton bales to protect Union ships during the Civil War?
7. When I stop for the day, make a note of where I’m going next. This technique has really been helpful for me, when I remember to do it. It helps me know exactly where to start the next time I sit down, and sometimes it has helped me to see gaps in my storyline or research that need to be filled in.

   These last three have been the most important for me, lately:

8. Get right to work! I find the simple act of getting started to be my most difficult task. I can spend an entire hour meandering around before even opening the document on my desktop and sitting down and getting to work. Once I get started on writing, I’m fine, and can usually keep going. But it can take me an hour to get to that point, sometimes – and by then, it’s easy to be distracted and not-write at all.
   
9. Make sure you are seated comfortably. The other day I figured out one of the reasons I couldn’t sit still at my computer while writing was simply because of my uncomfortable chair. I would fidgit, my legs would get twisted and cramp, and my arms hurt too because of the position of the keyboard on my desk in relation to my chair. I put a seat cushion in the chair, and voila – I have a six or eight hour day to my credit! Small things – big changes.
10. Use music to my advantage. I’ve found that playing a CD of some of my favorite music helps in many ways. First, it puts me in a good mood. It gives me a positive outlook, and also helps focus my mind. It helps me avoid TV. It also, in some inexplicable manner, helps me stay focused enough to get started (#8). It helps me over that hurdle – which is a big one for me – and once I’ve cleared it, I can get underway. Music is so important for me to get started on my writing – that within 30 minutes, I am so engrossed in my writing that the music fades into the background, and I often don’t even notice when the CD finishes playing. That’s the kind of concentration I’m aiming for!!

I hope that I’ll be able to remember these techniques the next time I get stuck in a procrastination rut, and I hope you might find some of them helpful in your work as well. I’d love to hear from other writers about what works for you in overcoming procrastination.

©2008 writingreading

Swimming the Ocean

I believe writing a book is like swimming the ocean. At least, it feels that way. I swim and swim and swim, thinking I must surely be at the half-way point by now – but I look behind me and see that I am only about 500 yards off-shore. The pull of the tide pushes me in, then pulls me back out, so that I no longer have a sense of distance. My muscles ache and tire, the sun reflecting off the waves is blinding, yet I know I cannot give up. I allow myself to drift for a bit, and relax, but I cannot give up completely, lest I drown.

I’ve been working on a non-fiction book now for over six months, probably longer. I’m talking writing, here, not counting time doing research which is a whole different ballgame entirely. It’s like treading water. Even though I know I can’t write much more than maybe a couple of pages a night, on a good night, and maybe not much more than 10 total in a week – it feels so grindingly dullingly slowwww. And I’m talking about the process and progress here – not the reading-pace of the book. (It’s still a first draft anyway, and that comes later.)

The truth is, I’ve got probably 70-100 pages altogether, written – and so maybe I’m 1/3 or 1/2 way through the book, with however much more to go. But at this point, it so often seems like I will never, ever get finished – so much so that at times I’m tempted to say “forget it” and let my dream die. I know that this book is important to me, that it is something that I am truly passionate about – that it is one of the few things that can break through my daily cynicism and give me Purpose and Meaning.

So why is it that I find the going so difficult? That I can have an entire day stretched before me, just waiting to spend the endless hours writing — and not even begin to get started until 5pm? Or wail and thrash about, shuffling papers or surfing blogs and websites, and then wonder why I didn’t get anything done at all today?

I think writing must be like crossing the vast states of Tennessee, cross-wise, or Texas, in any direction, or going lengthwise up the coast of California. It takes forever!! And it’s usually when you are getting close to the end, when you feel the most like you’re never going to get there! But I’ve made enough road trips to know – you just have to keep going, you will get there!

Maybe it’s all in my perspective. I’m all wrong to think I’m swimming the ocean. I’m just a blind woman in a swimming pool, swimming in circles, and I don’t realize I’ve already traveled so far.

©2008 writingreading

Guilt Trip – or, Blogging as Procrastination

I knew this would happen, and that being new to blogging, there would be some semi-significant startup time – but I spent virtually all day yesterday getting underway. I don’t mind it, and it was my choice of course, but the truth is that I should have been writing on My Book (a large non-fiction work in progress, which probably won’t be described in much more detail) all day yesterday. As much as I was wanting to start a blog about writing, I knew it held great peril for me as an excellent and enticing procrastination tool. And of course, I’m doing it again tonight.

That’ll be OK I think, in the long run. After all, doesn’t it “count” – as long as I am Writing?! I think it must – but the nagging doubts remain. I’m hopeful that blogging will enable me to write about things I normally wouldn’t, to engage in conversation with far-off (and maybe far-out!) friends, and to keep my fingers and brain nimble and writing away, even when the words don’t seem to come for my other projects. That being said, I really do have other offline projects I must be diligent about, so I’m hopeful that after the first few initial posts – just for me to get the hang and feel of things – I might not post more than maybe once a week or so. That way, for both me as the writer, and you as the reader, things won’t get too stale or forced. We’ll see, and thanks for taking the journey with me!

©2008 writingreading